Family Issues in Estate Planning -  It's Not All About the Money.

As we enter the holiday season, our thoughts often turn to the relationships we have with our friends and family.  We all seek positive relationships with our children, spouse, parents, siblings and friends.  What many of us never contemplate is the role that our estate planning documents can play with regard to these relationships.  We see our Wills, Powers of Attorneys and Medical Directives as just cold, business documents – they are not.  True, our relationships with loved ones are mostly defined by the many (often at the time unremarkable) moments that we share with our loved ones.  However, I have too often seen harmonious family relationships destroyed by one having either no estate documents or poorly prepared estate documents.

Over the years I have seen many family "battles" take place in Court.  There are battles all the time where children fight each other over things that many might see as trivial; the lawsuit initiated to resolve a dispute over a parent’s little valued china is true.  Often such a fight is really not about the “cheap” item, but really over some earlier family dispute that was never resolved.  These cases are typically not worth the cost of the challenge and seldom provide the litigants the closure or satisfaction they seek.

There are other Court cases that I view as more tragic – here is a real example.  Michael and Susan are siblings who always shared a close relationship and who were both very close with their mother, Sarah.  Unfortunately, Sarah never prepared estate documents.  Sarah had a stroke and was placed on life support.  Michael and Susan were not aware of their mother’s end of life wishes; Sarah never discussed them and never prepared an Advanced Medical Directive where she could have expressed her healthcare wishes.   Michael believed that his mother would never want to continue living on life support, and believed that her mother would request hospice care if she could express herself in her current state.   Susan thought differently; she believed that her mother would want to “fight” her illness and pursue any means possible to extend her life. 

Both children filed guardianship actions with the Court seeking to gain control of their mother’s health care decisions.  Regrettably, this action became very heated and destroyed the close relationship shared by a brother and sister.  As a parent, few thoughts are as painful as the possibility of children not being extremely close to one another; most parents would do anything to prevent such a situation.   The testimony at trial made clear that Sarah shared this vision and diligently raised her children in a manner so that they would be close with one another.  Sarah regrettably made one mistake – by not preparing an Advanced Medical Directive she undid years of hard work hoping to keep her children close to one another.

What is so tragic about the dispute between Michael and Susan is that the dispute itself was for a good purpose.  Both children loved their mother and wanted what was best for her; the children just differed as to what they believed was in their mother’s best interest.  Unlike the earlier mentioned fight over a parent’s china set, Michael and Susan’s fight was for the right purpose – the well-being of a mother.  Nonetheless, the result was the same - a harmonious relationship among children was lost. 

Clearly estate taxes and long term care planning are required issues that need to be addressed in one’s estate planning documents.  However, addressing one’s family dynamics and relationships (be they good or bad) should also be seen as a required issue to address when one prepares their estate planning documents.  To see these documents as just determining “who gets what” or who you appoint as the executor of your estate misses the point.  These documents are a continuation of one’s legacy and should be prepared with that in mind.  If you are leaving a treasured heirloom to a particular child, it would be wise to express your reason for doing so.  If you wish to have one child make your healthcare decisions, you may want to explain to your other children your reasons for doing so.  Are their particular issues with your children that need to be considered, such as addiction issues, spending problems or special needs? 

The bottom line is that pursuing your estate planning is an appropriate time to reflect on what is important to you and your loved ones.  By addressing the process in these terms you are likely to create documents that will continue to shape your life goals even after you pass away.